Is It Too Much to Ask That You Love Me? I Am Deserving of Love Too.
“We do not want you here.”
“No man can truly love you.”
“Which man will marry you? I doubt any man in his right senses will want to ever wake up to your face right beside them.”
“Eyaaa, who knows what sins her parents must have committed for God to judge them by giving them a child with an appearance like that.”
The list goes on and on, but I will spare you the details as I believe you have a hang of it already. I always wondered how and why people would be so cruel and mean as to make those snide remarks to my face and behind also. Ever since I could remember, I have been unremarkable in appearance; my younger sister however has always been regarded as the ‘standard of beauty’. People would always tease and make jest of me with it and I grew some resentment I didn’t even know was there towards my sister.
Many years had gone by, and I was getting closer to the age for a young lady to stop getting suitors (not like I have ever gotten any). A handful have come for my sister, but she couldn’t be given to them as I had to get married before my sister seeing as I was older (does the roller coaster ever stop?!).
One fateful morning, I had woken up with this weird feeling, but I couldn’t attach it to anything in particular. It felt like there was a bottomless pit in my belly and something was looking for a landing platform but couldn’t find any, so it kept sinking deeper. I was still tossing and turning on my bed trying to shake the feeling off when my father walked into my room accompanied by some of the helps in the house.
“Get up. Freshen up. Get dressed. Today you will be getting married.” My father just allowed the words flow out without restriction. He continued not minding my attempt at interrupting him. “We have made plans and concluded as a family, you are to be married to your sister’s husband today. Don’t worry she has agreed to it because she can’t keep waiting for you to get married to no avail, spoiling her own chances. We will make sure the man (husband-to-be) is very intoxicated, so he won’t even know who he is being joined to. This is the best we could do for you seeing how worrisome the situation at hand is. These helps will assist you in getting ready ahead of the feast…….” Father kept rambling (that is all it was as I had blanked out from intense shock and confusion).
How much more miserable could my life get?! I don’t get to make a choice about how my physical appearance would be; I don’t get to receive my parent’s love as much; people outside do not even really want me. Now I am to be shoved down a man’s throat deceitfully. I couldn’t stop the tears from flowing freely at this point. God why is my life full of so much misery? When do I get to smile? When do I get to be truly happy and full of joy? Why did you bother creating me if all I am going to get is disappointments and heartaches at every turn?
Despite the hot tears and wailing, I got dressed and prepared for ‘my wedding’. I couldn’t wait for the day to end so I could hide away from the crowd, the prying eyes and the gossips as I could hear their whisperings. That night, ‘my husband’ couldn’t restrain as he wanted to consummate the marriage immediately; it wasn’t bad I must say because he was passionate about it.
My fairytale got cut short few hours later when he woke and realized I wasn’t my sister. His fury was quite expected but the disdain I saw in his eyes immediately wiped the night of passion from my memory. He immediately rushed to my father to make his displeasure known and went ahead to still request for my sister to be his wife as he had been smitten by her beauty and it was love at first sight for him from the moment he saw her. I couldn’t fault him so much because, I was never his first choice, scratch that I was never a choice for him at all. He was given my sister finally and they got married immediately. It was like living in literal hell as I got to watch their love display in full glare while being relegated to the shadows.
I soon found out I was pregnant from the one ‘night of passion’, and I thought to myself, “This would surely make my husband care for me even if it’s just a little.” How wrong could I have been?! He couldn’t even be bothered with my presence or anything that concerned me. I wallowed like this in pains, shame and longing, for ‘my husband’ to desire me, to love me, to notice me. I think the pain of disappointment killed me more than anything else.
The story above is a fictional representation in my head of the life of Leah in the Bible and her relationship with Jacob (her husband) and Rachel (her sister). (You can go ahead to check out the story for yourself from the book of Genesis 29)
There are many people who can relate in one way or the other to the story of Leah; even myself can relate too. Many times, we expect our contentment and fulfillment to come from certain things and individuals in our lives, believing that when they give it to us, we will feel complete. I am sorry to burst your bubbles however, MAN WILL FAIL US MANY TIMES. The only person whom I have realized can give us true wholeness, love, contentment and acceptance is God (Jesus).
That love you so seek, and desire and it seems not to be complete from humans, ask the Father in Heaven (God) who gives all good gifts, and He will attend to you immediately giving you a peace that passes all understanding.
This is how I am confident of the Father’s love to us all,
“For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.” — John 3:16
“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” — 1 Corinthians 13:4–7 (NIV)